


polynucleotidal

by lovi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Touch Aversion, Trust Issues, borderline mental breakdown, both physical and emotional, dealing with an aversion to intimacy, except both of them grow sick of it, omi gets a lil mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovi/pseuds/lovi
Summary: When did the thought of this begin to warm him, the thought of entwining with another? It never had in the past.- - -A quick lil sakuatsu breakup drabble for the first day of angst week, brought on by the prompt "When did it all change?"
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 31





	polynucleotidal

_When did it all change?_

_When did my heartbeat become so intrinsic to our interactions? When did I begin to feel lightheaded when our gazes brushed against one another?_

Each advance was morphing from a dead end to a fork in the road, a question written hard in the dirt with twig in clenched fist: _When do I change? At which fork will I choose to veer left rather than continue right, trapped within this endless circuit?_

The longer he stood at this fork, the less he was able to see himself alone reflected in its duplex: _polynucleotide,_ he thought, gazing back in the mirror at the twin marks singed into his forehead. Gazing back across the restaurant table at the twin bodies across the edge of its surface, one seated and one stood hunched over, laying plates down, warm steam brushing the edge of his wrists. _One seated. One seated. Polynucleotide._

When did the thought of this begin to warm him, the thought of entwining with another? It never had in the past. It had always frozen him; left him alone, palms sweaty and chilled to his core. Now he laid under his duvet, warm at the thought of another body enclosed within his small closet of a bathroom, trapped on the other side of thin glass, thick wood and the grey noise of water enveloped in steam. The weight returning back to the other side of the mattress was comforting, the closed eyelids it hid behind a thin blanket of encouragement. Deep beneath the weight of this blanket, he stretched his small palm out across the span of his mattress, allowed its ridges to be traced by the tentative touch of an index finger.

Index finger to two fingers to five, to sweaty palms laced in the quiet dark of the movie theatre. Arms touching to arms woven and locked, pressed suitjacket against cheap one, smile widening and cheeks rosying, tongue sharper than canines in the bubble of conversation. _What if I want to be known by you,_ injected into his own tongue like misplaced Novocaine. Felt heavy: heavy like the blood-filled body tucked delicate beneath his arm at the fall of night, heavy like the arm laid slack over his waist at the rise of morning.

He knew deep down that they had begun to weave together from the moment they met, a stretch of fate somehow stitching them back together years after the fact; but it still came as a surprise that one late morning, droplets of water littered reflective over chilled panes of glass. _Grey_ , everything felt so _grey_ , and his shoulder was tapped twice by the familiar tip of an index finger just as a pair of lips pressed gentle, almost hesitant into the stretch of his neck, irreconcilable words brushed across his dampened flesh:

“I love you.”

The toes of his shoes brushed the smooth-polished surface of metal sprouted deep beneath the dirt, punctuating the end of his original question: _When did it all change?_ Suddenly the arms around his waist felt _heavy_ ; gratuitously present, wanton duplexity wrapping itself around his heart like a snake, the metal bands of an arm cuff too tight. Thrice-pronged metal stretched out before him, woodblock heels scuffing its surface in nervousness. _Three?_ He brushed aside the dirt that lay scattered over its engraving, stomach churning at the sight of his own hands beside the hands of another; weaving two metal prongs together, two loops in. 

_Why is someone else here? This is my space, my solitude._ His mind ran a mile a minute and everything suddenly felt far too large around him, a doll placed on a chair at the dinner table. His heart was slowly inching up his throat, propelled by each heavy thud in his chest; his lips slipped open just as the chin lifted off his shoulder.

“I hate you.”

 _What?_ Metal prongs, snapped. Breath hitching against the back slope between his neck and shoulder. Cold, colder.

“.. what?” His bottom lip quivered at the change in tone, almost songlike in its melancholy. The quiet hint of a laugh bubbling up from beneath a sharp tongue, dulled in its overuse. Arms snaking away from around his waist, leaving the skin of his stomach clammy and exposed.

“I _hate_ you and I want you to leave me alone.” No, _no._ That’s not what he wanted. All touch retracted from his flesh like a hot stove poked by a small child’s curiosity yet there was no heat dancing beneath the surface of his flesh, no warm-blooded blaze to carry him through winter. He embraced the cold and sat with it, danced that fine line between freezing rain and scalding bathwater as though it were a game. There was a pause, a small space filled with a silence too heavy to be desirable.

“Omi, I—” His foot stomped and set the whole road before him flying off somewhere behind closed eyelids, unable to handle all the sensation around him, pivoting til wild eyes fell over ones flooded soft with saltwater.

“Has anyone ever told you to just shut up?” Burning, burning behind his skull, breath rising high and fast into the upmost pocket of his chest, heaving faster as through fighting against the increase in gravity. He could feel the strands wrapped between his hands separating but it was still far too much; he needed it sooner, faster. His tongue was moving in ways he couldn’t have thought possible.

 _“Has anyone ever taught you that not everything’s for your taking?”_ Legs snapped shut and the body in front of him was tucked into its own thighs; seated on the floor in a near instant, polynucleotide fully ripped apart from its seams. Blond tresses spun like gold over the patched knees of his own worn jeans, now comfortably unattainable. His heart shrunk back like a scared animal, no longer threatening to burst against the metal barring of its confines. His body chilled: cold-blooded, reptilian. He left the kitchen and retreated into his own sun-filled bedroom, mind catching up with his body.

 _What did I just do? What did I just say?_ Deep behind the hollows of his eyes within his skull grew a flood, a swell of emotion threatening to tumble over, dream into reality. Everything blurred and blubbered until he was losing grip, sliding down to the worn threading of his apartment carpeting. Jolted awake by the sharp snap of tone echoed from the kitchen, grey noise dulled by thick wood.

 _“You’re not the only one who’s gotten tired, Omi!”_ Broken at the apex, snapping the thin twig of his own thoughts. His breath hitched, heavy footsteps punctuated by the front door, slammed shut.

Part of him wanted to sprint out of his own duplex, run down the hall and out the front door. Grab fast to the hem of his shirt, never let him go. Part wanted to lock himself in his small closet of a bathroom and run scalding water til it filled his lungs with steam, brought him back to the uncomfortable detachment of homemade remedies for childhood illness. He wanted to smell it deep in the crevices of his own sinuses, feel his anxiety peak at the calloused hands of his own doing.

He chose not to allow himself the pleasure of either: he chose to sit uncomfortably on his own bedroom floor, back against the wood of the door; scratchy loops of filthy, used carpeting imprinting into the delicate skin of his exposed thighs as he forced himself to feel the pain of examining change. He thinks he’s cursed.

**Author's Note:**

> hate to get personal but I also struggle with intimacy issues and when I saw this prompt I just..... couldn't keep myself from writing something. ANYWAYS. hope you guys enjoyed!!!! I love all of you: if you need to feel some love today or any day, know that there is always some coming from me <333 hope you all have a great day/night, and thanks for reading <3


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